Monday, March 7, 2011
I pray that you wont read this. I really pray you don't visit my blog.
All I wanted to blog today is something, none of my friends nor family know about. Nobody knew this innermost feeling of mine.
1 and 5 months ago, I got together with this guy that I thought he was the one whom I can count on and I could last long with. Seriously at that time, I had this thought.
Through that 1 year relationship, he gave me happiness and it was the first time I was lavished and cherished. It was also the first time I felt being loved genuinely other than my parents. I really thought...
I thought, I think, but ultimately what did I get when I gave my all? An email breaking up. People says love is blind and I really do agree.
The first break up I thought it wasn't meant to be. But after we patched up, I had high hopes. But yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a perfect girlfriend, I mean who doesn't have flaws?
When he mailed me that message. I told people I felt nothing. But deep inside, I was really hurt. I hurt not because he didn't love me. I hurt because I spent hours webcamming him, spent hours messaging and caring for him, spent my time doing little cards that maybe would cheer him up. I cried that night. I really did for doing something so stupid and being so stupidly 癡心
After the break up, I spent my time studying and doing stuff that wasn't me. Everywhere I went had that little memory of him that no matter how hard I tried, it will still haunt me. And I smiled at those memories.
I finally know how kor you felt when maggie felt you. I really do. But I'm not that drastic. I use time to heal my wounds... Four months and I didn't talk to him. During these four months, I really don't dare to visit his blog for fear that he has a new girl. I couldn't take the pain. I decided that time shall be my doctor.
It was also at this period that suitors came knocking on my door. The worst one was asking me to be his mistress to cheat behind his girlfriend. No! I couldn't do that!!! That's against my principles! And all in all, I rejected 3 guys during this period of time.
Time you are really slow in healing... However, yesterday when his name appeared on my phone, I felt a pang in my heart. I saw the first few words, Happy Birthday to you. I didn't think that he would text me to wish me since he already did so on facebook. I was touched at that point of time because very few people will really wish me HB by texting. I thanked him and such and we engaged in a long conversation.
I knew I shouldn't act so close to him. I know I shouldn't. But my heart tells me otherwise.
Even today, we continued texting each other and he called me my pet name that only both of us know. I started getting protective and him and yeah, I was really curious of how he lived his life the past four months. But the way he talked to me, I know that I'm no longer in his heart except that I'm a clique and very good friend.
It was the last straw when I knew I went overprotective and overboard like demanding him to sleep early for my sake and etc. And that he never heeds my advice. I know I went overboard already but I can only salvage back the friendship by telling him I did smth more than just a friend. Even I don't give this treatment to my best friend. I know he doesn't understand what I said and to the extent being hurt because I wasn't truthful to him.
But in actual fact, I don't have the courage to face what we are right now. All I do now is hope he does not visit my blog any near future and let time heal my long term illness...
Even though I hope he doesn't read it, I secretly hope he does. Argh! I'm in a diliema!!! Oh fuck! I'm really screwed this time FOR REAL. No kidding.
All I wanted to blog today is something, none of my friends nor family know about. Nobody knew this innermost feeling of mine.
1 and 5 months ago, I got together with this guy that I thought he was the one whom I can count on and I could last long with. Seriously at that time, I had this thought.
Through that 1 year relationship, he gave me happiness and it was the first time I was lavished and cherished. It was also the first time I felt being loved genuinely other than my parents. I really thought...
I thought, I think, but ultimately what did I get when I gave my all? An email breaking up. People says love is blind and I really do agree.
The first break up I thought it wasn't meant to be. But after we patched up, I had high hopes. But yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a perfect girlfriend, I mean who doesn't have flaws?
When he mailed me that message. I told people I felt nothing. But deep inside, I was really hurt. I hurt not because he didn't love me. I hurt because I spent hours webcamming him, spent hours messaging and caring for him, spent my time doing little cards that maybe would cheer him up. I cried that night. I really did for doing something so stupid and being so stupidly 癡心
After the break up, I spent my time studying and doing stuff that wasn't me. Everywhere I went had that little memory of him that no matter how hard I tried, it will still haunt me. And I smiled at those memories.
I finally know how kor you felt when maggie felt you. I really do. But I'm not that drastic. I use time to heal my wounds... Four months and I didn't talk to him. During these four months, I really don't dare to visit his blog for fear that he has a new girl. I couldn't take the pain. I decided that time shall be my doctor.
It was also at this period that suitors came knocking on my door. The worst one was asking me to be his mistress to cheat behind his girlfriend. No! I couldn't do that!!! That's against my principles! And all in all, I rejected 3 guys during this period of time.
Time you are really slow in healing... However, yesterday when his name appeared on my phone, I felt a pang in my heart. I saw the first few words, Happy Birthday to you. I didn't think that he would text me to wish me since he already did so on facebook. I was touched at that point of time because very few people will really wish me HB by texting. I thanked him and such and we engaged in a long conversation.
I knew I shouldn't act so close to him. I know I shouldn't. But my heart tells me otherwise.
Even today, we continued texting each other and he called me my pet name that only both of us know. I started getting protective and him and yeah, I was really curious of how he lived his life the past four months. But the way he talked to me, I know that I'm no longer in his heart except that I'm a clique and very good friend.
It was the last straw when I knew I went overprotective and overboard like demanding him to sleep early for my sake and etc. And that he never heeds my advice. I know I went overboard already but I can only salvage back the friendship by telling him I did smth more than just a friend. Even I don't give this treatment to my best friend. I know he doesn't understand what I said and to the extent being hurt because I wasn't truthful to him.
But in actual fact, I don't have the courage to face what we are right now. All I do now is hope he does not visit my blog any near future and let time heal my long term illness...
Even though I hope he doesn't read it, I secretly hope he does. Argh! I'm in a diliema!!! Oh fuck! I'm really screwed this time FOR REAL. No kidding.
♥SWAK
12:39 AM
12:39 AM